December 20, 2010 by smallfry
In the beginning of October 2010, I was involved in a wreck while driving my tractor-trailer in Florida. In the back of my mind I thought,
“God’s judging you”.
Later that month, our fourth child was stillborn. He was over 5 months along. This is the most traumatic thing that we’ve ever had to go through in our lives. We will never get over this. All we can hope for is to learn how to cope with the loss. Even with all this going on, not only did I think it, but other people were thinking it too, and, God bless them for their concern, were telling my wife,
“Maybe God’s trying to talk to your husband through this…”
Of course this angered me, but I let it go to an extent, because I understand that ‘god of judgment’ mindset, because I was raised to think that way.
In late November, a quarter mile from our home, after taking my son to school, my wife narrowly avoids a head-on collision with a man in a pick-up truck in a rush to get to work. Instead of a direct hit, my wife veered onto someone’s lawn and was hit at around the driver’s side headlight to the door. It wasn’t as bad as it could have been, but it still sent my wife to the hospital, and totalled the van. Thankfully, our two girls were uninjured.
Even though we were indoctrinated with the god of judgment, no matter how much we suppress those thoughts with logic and reason, it takes only a microsecond to bring them right back into the front of our minds. This time, no one needed to say anything. My wife thought and asked me,
“do you really think all this bad luck is just coincidence? You don’t think God has had anything to do with it?”.
All this has me thinking about the god of blessings and curses that is preached in a lot of fundamentalist churches across this country. I’ve always heard that, when bad things happen to God’s children, it’s either Him trying to correct bad behavior, or he’s testing the believer’s faith. If one is a backslider or a non-believer, it’s the good shepherd trying to corral his sheep back into the fold. If that’s not it, the it could be he’s taken his hand of protection off of said person, and all manner of bad shit will undoubtedly befall them.
What if something bad happens to someone who’s doing their best and is living their life for God? Why does this god of love and mercy protect them? Why do van loads of church people travelling, undoubtedly on their way to do good deeds for Jesus, crash (3 that I can remember this year), killing many inside? We’re they not good people? Was God judging them? Was God testing their faith? Was God trying to talk to them? I’ve heard some joke, “Well, I guess we know that they were not in the right religion.” Is there some truth to that? Truth in that, they’re not in the ‘right religion’, because there isn’t one?
I remember hearing my pastor condemn certain backsliders to a horrific death by fiery car crashes, because they’d, Touched God’s Anointed [IISamuel 6:6-7]. (Meaning, they’d seen the hypocrisy in the ministry and talked about it to others) I remember him doing this, and thinking to myself, “I don’t want to die like that, I want to die at a good, old age, when I’m ready to go.” The older I’ve become, the more I understand, There is no easy way out. Most ways out are probably not easy, because, well, you’re dying. Using the fear of death as a judgment in church theology is just silly, because, we all have to go.
The point I’m trying to make, and not doing a good job of it is, there probably are no god(s). If there is no God, that means that there is no Devil. If there is no God or Satan, then that means there are no angels or demons. All are just superstitions and remnants of fables. We live in a finite, natural world, filled with more people than it can sustain. It’s just statistical probability, that with as many people that are driving at any given time, that cars will wreck. Sometimes it’s your turn. Fallible people make fallible decisions, and sometimes, bad stuff happens. I don’t believe that it’s God directing it, or allowing it to happen.
I’ve found that not believing in a god has helped me cope with losing our son. I can’t be angry and an all powerful being in the sky, that couldn’t find the power to save my child, because he doesn’t exist. Giving up belief in supernatural ideas helps me to understand that sometimes, shit just happens. There was no supernatural reason. God didn’t kill our son. God didn’t let him die to go be with Him. God didn’t let him die because, “who knows what would’ve happened down the road? God may have spared you more heartache“. (How, by causing heartache now, He saved us from heartache later? That’s nonsense!) It won’t be explained to us one of these days. It just won’t. It never does. So please stop telling us this magical, pie in the sky horse crap. It doesn’t make anyone feel better, maybe other than yourself.
The biggest lesson I have learned from all of this is, 1: There is no evidence for an afterlife. 2: There is no guarantee I will wake up tomorrow. 3: I should live my life to the fullest, today. The nagging question I have from this lesson: “Now how to I do it?”
